#4 BUSINESS BREAKDOWNS: Welcome Email Alchemy... Learn how to leave a memorable first impression!

The plague is back.

This time, in the form of a welcome email.

Unfortunate.

If you don’t know what I mean… you’ll know soon!

Today, I’m going to break Jen’s welcome email down, and then give you an exact structure of what your welcome email should include to have the greatest impact!

This is going to be a long, but very, VERY valuable email!

So, let’s begin with the subject line: 

“Ready to take the next step toward better health”

...Pretty basic.

I’m going to give you 6 rules for creating a compelling subject line, and then create one for Jen, so you guys can see the difference.

Credit to Derek Johansen, the founder of CopyHour (Amazing course by the way, check it out if you want to learn how to write sales copy!)

A subject line should be:

• Novel

• Unexpected

• Pleasurable

• Rewarding

• Personally relevant

• Emotionally compelling

Is Jen’s subject line Novel? No.

Is it unexpected? No

Is it pleasurable? Somewhat

Is it rewarding? Somewhat

Personally relevant? Ermmm, I guess.

Finally, emotionally compelling? I wouldn’t say so.

First, let’s go through why.

It’s because it's a very generalised, unspecific and pretty common subject line. The target market has definitely heard that promise before. 

And also, what is better health? 

There’s no emotion behind it.

It’s not like me saying… “Rev up your testosterone 312% in 1 month, with this simple morning routine!”

I mean, I made that up off the top of my head. But my point stands. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s weirdly specific, it’s visual… You can feel the subject line through the screen.

So, let’s create one for Jen.

Let me think for two seconds.

“So… I’ve just claimed my nutritional foods lead magnet… I’ most likely menopausal (that’s the core market)... She’s trying to sell me on a 6 week program in the first email (not great but let’s just roll with it)... Hmmmmm”

Okay, I think I’ve got one!

Oh, 3 actually!

“Shed unwanted menopausal fat in just 6 weeks!"

Preview text: Older folks didn’t think it was possible!

“Pesky, stubborn fat just won’t go? Try this…”

“I lost 8kg in just 6 weeks… At 45! Can you believe it?”

Do you see how much better they are?

It’s novel, it’s got more emotion behind it, they can feel the frustration through the screen. 

I even swiped a testimonial just to use the subject line.

(SIDE NOTE: Preview text can be added if you want. It’s basically the second line of text tehy see on the email before opening it!)

And don’t think you HAVE to come up with a good subject line. 

Just A/B split test and see for yourself. 

I’m not saying all of mine will do great… Sometimes testing can reveal strange insights.

But I can GUARANTEE, they vastly outperform Jens’ subject line.

Anyway, that was a lot… just for the subject line. 

Why? Because it’s very important and I want to make sure you guys get a tonne of value from this so you never make these mistakes again!

Onto the lead (the first few hundred words of the sales copy!)

Now, let’s say they did read the subject line, somehow.

Your first step should NEVER be to try and sell them!!

EVER!

Your welcome email should build know, like and trust.

Think of it as a first impression. 

You meet someone, you get to know them a little, you tell a short story about yourself, they give a bit of insight into what you do, your business, why you started etc etc etc

Your welcome email should do the same.

At the bottom of those two paragraphs, she does give some social proof. Which is great. But again, it’s vague. 

What sounds better?

“”I’ve helped hundreds of people just like you achieve incredible results, and I know you can do it too”

Or

*THINKING!

“I’ve helped 187 people shed stubborn fat from their body and get into youthul shape… In just the past year!”

Now, I know which one would get my blood boiling!

Anyway, I would scrap those two ChatGPT paragraphs and start again. Speak from the heart.

Why did you start this business? 

What is a big advantage the people in this newsletter have?

Speak to me like you would when trying to help a friend lose weight, Jen!

Onwards…

*The plague begins…

“Chat GPT!!”

Why?

If you’re a great coach, like Jen is, why use ChaGPT.

Those emojis, the weird non-conversational language, the vague promises and the robotic voice speaking through the screen. Not worth it. And no, I will not be re-writing these bullets. 

Scrap it.

Then, look at this chunk of text.

Here’s some unsolicited advice.

Sales BOOSTER #1:

Don’t write in big blocks of text.

Separate ideas so that it is easily scannable for the reader and even more impactful.

If you focus them on one idea per sentence or block of text, the emotional impact is two fold.

Look I made up the two fold part, but it makes a lot of the difference.

Oh wait guys! Something's brewing…

Oh… no!

The challenge is filling up fast!!

Hurry SIGN UP NOW!

Please, please don’t do this. 

You won’t fool anyone!

There’s not even a single mention in the whole email of how many spots there are in the first place. 

How could it possibly be filling up fast?

That’s what happens when you leave the work to ChatGPT.

Look, if you’re a coach who can deliver excellent results like Jen, it’s definitely worth hiring a copywriter to do the job for you.

You will immediately see an enormous jump in results.

And yes, I am selling myself here!

And I’m not afraid to tell you, because frankly, if you could see the number of extra sales I can bring to the table, you wouldn't care that I’m “selling” you.

Just contact me at efe@redhotwriting.co.uk if you want my help!

Anyway, let’s move onto the best part!

And no, I’m not being sarcastic this time…

I mean, look at that!

The results are just incredible. Genuinely. 

I know from my own mother how hard it is to lose weight during menopause… no matter how clean you eat or how much you exercise.

So, this is really excellent stuff.

But again, it’s hidden at the bottom of the email, behind ChatGPT writing.

I know for a fact Jen would have a great personality, because if she didn’t she’d be a sh*t coach.

So, use it!

Write from the heart, like you would speak to a friend, and tell your story. 

Explain why and how you can help people lose weight and show that you care.

I promise, the emotion will just burst out in your writing, and it will be 10 times better than any emotionless nonsense ChatGPT could write. 

And you can clean up the writing AFTER you have done this. No problem.

Anyway, here’s the welcome email checklist I promised:

1. Tell a short story, give them the reason why you started this business.

   
   

2. Show them how you can help!

   
   

3. Set expectations on what to expect in the future.

   
   

4. DON’T sell in the first email.

   
   

5. Give them a way out… tell them they can unsubscribe any time.

   
   

6. Add a small P.S. highlighting your best point… In some cases you can do a soft sell here!

Hope you enjoyed this one!

Efe

P.S. I’d love to see if we’re a good fit. Many businesses like Jen’s would benefit highly from a copywriter.

Imagine if Jen had amazing sales copy across her website, socials and emails. 

Think about how many more people she could help… 

How much more money she could make too!

Anyway, click [HERE] to contact me!